What goes around, comes around

I remember this feeling and i don't like it. When we first put Cash in his crib and decided the best thing to do was to let him figure out how to sleep on his own it was really hard and sad - for me. Not so much for Cash. He got the hang of it but i guess i wanted to feel needed or even that I was abandoning my baby. So now we are transitioning Cash to his big-boy bed it is more of this same feeling. I was stressing a little because the past 2 nights - yes, we are pretty early into it - had been rough but not terrible. The worst part is that it was taking 1.5-2 hours to get him to settle down and fall asleep. I was laying down with him in his bed which i realize now was just license for him to goof around, jump on the bed, pull my hair, pick my nose, climb all over, etc. I was spending so much time in his bed/room because i just assumed that because he could climb out of his bed, he would. Although, last night it dawned on me that he actually hasn't tried to do this. Each time he had woken up in his new bed he would wait for us to come get him, even at 4am last night he cried for us rather than trying to get out of bed. So Chandler and I talked about it and we decided that tonight i would put him to bed, turn out the light and walk away. And that is what I did. It's heartwrenching - really. He cried, for about 45 seconds. I walked away to use the bathroom and before i could flush he was not crying and he was not peeking out the door. I assume he is either talking himself to sleep or fell asleep. I am fighting every urge I have to go in there - surely he needs me, surely he wants me to lay in his bed with him, surely he can't be ok or asleep. But i'm sure he is ok and i'm sure he is alseep. I feel terrible for walking away. I feel awful that crying was his last memory of the day. I also remember that what got me through these feelings the first time around was how happy I was to see my boy the next morning. And happy that he was happy because he slept well.
Tomorrow when Cash gets up I will shower him in hugs and kisses - enough that he'll say "no, Mommy" and "Stop it Mommy". That will make me feel better i'm sure.
Cash is also in bed a little early - about 45 minutes. My boy likes to and needs to sleep. He gets a good 12 hours at night and a 2-3 hour nap during the day. I know when he hasn't gotten enough sleep because he is a totally different boy. Not in a bad way but in a way that it is hard to keep him happy. When he is well rested he is charming and happy and never complains. Learning to sleep in his big-boy bed has left him a little short on sleep so as soon as the eye rubbing started tonight we went for the bed. Hopefully the more comfortable he becomes in his new diggs he'll catch up on some winks...